What I learned from watching my niece… and what we can’t keep ignoring

Four years ago, I invited my niece — then 15 — to spend a summer camping with me and my family.
We traveled from Colorado to Florida to pick her up.

She is a child who received a cellphone at a very early age, around nine. Her parents were separated, and as happens in many homes, the phone became company, distraction, comfort… and refuge.

During the first days of camping, something deeply struck me:
she did almost everything while looking at a screen.

She ate with her phone.
She walked with her phone.
She lived… through her phone.

One day I noticed she was sad and thoughtful.
I tried to talk to her face to face, to look into each other’s eyes — and she couldn’t.

She said, “I can tell you what’s going on, but by texting.”
Even though we were sitting together, in person.

In that moment I felt an emptiness and a deep ache, and I understood something I’ve never forgotten:
Many times we lose connection because we drift away from our humanity in how we communicate.

The invisible gap screens create

That summer showed me the real damage and emotional distance that can grow when a screen stands between people.

Especially in adolescents who:

✦ Receive phones too early
✦ Grow up amid divorce, uncertainty, or loneliness
✦ Lived part of puberty/adolescence during COVID, when screens were their only window to the world

For many young people, the phone has become a safe zone — but also an emotional cage.

The process: returning to voice, eye contact, and presence

We spent 8 weeks camping, so with time, patience, and a lot of care, I gently invited her — without forcing — to talk.

Until we built a relationship of trust.

Little by little, she discovered something beautiful:

✦ The power of saying things out loud
✦ The intimacy of eye contact
✦ The courage to express emotions without hiding behind a screen
✦ The depth of face-to-face conversation

Today, she is a very different young woman.
More open. More expressive.
More aware of the value of communicating without digital intermediaries.

And I feel deeply grateful to have been part of that process.

Jonathan Haidt is right — and I see it in real life (not online)

Jonathan Haidt originally wanted to write a book about the impact of social media on democracy.
But he shifted direction when he realized the far more urgent impact on adolescent mental health. That’s how The Anxious Generation was born. According to Haidt, “the findings were shocking.”

In the U.S., rates of depression and anxiety among youth aged 12–17 nearly doubled between 2010 and 2019.
During that same period, suicide among children and teens aged 10–19 increased by 48%, and among girls aged 10–14 the increase was an alarming 131%.

Similar trends appear in countries like Canada, the UK, New Zealand, and Australia.

And if these numbers are already alarming in countries with strong healthcare systems and solid data tracking… what might reality look like in less developed countries where the impact is likely equal or greater, but not fully measured yet?

But beyond data, I see it in practice, and I feel that:
Many young people are not “broken.”
They are overstimulated, overexposed, and under-supported.

The 4 major harms of a “phone-based” childhood

Haidt identifies four structural impacts of heavy screen use:

1. Social deprivation
Less time with friends in person → more loneliness.

2. Sleep deprivation
Nighttime phone use is linked to poorer sleep and worse mental health.

3. Attention fragmentation
Lower tolerance for boredom and reduced deep focus.

4. Behavioral addiction
Platforms are designed to maximize time spent, especially among teens.

The other problem: the disappearance of free play

Haidt argues that children need risk, exploration, and autonomy to build resilience.

Today, the opposite often happens:

• Overprotective parenting in the physical world

• Underprotection in the digital world

• Less recess, less independence, fewer real-life experiences

Result: emotionally more fragile youth.

Are we trying to “fix” our children instead of looking at ourselves first?

I know parents who take their teens to therapy to “fix” them.

Therapy is valuable — sometimes essential.
But perhaps it’s worth asking:

✦ What part of the problem belongs to us as adults?
✦ What are we modeling with our own phone use?
✦ How much presence do we truly offer?
✦ How much do we regulate our emotions before expecting them to regulate theirs?
✦ Are we parenting from convenience… or from consciousness?

This isn’t about blame.
It’s about responsibility.

The call is preventive, not only corrective

If you have young children, you have a powerful advantage today:
You can invest in their wellbeing now to avoid a much higher emotional cost later.

✦ Delay smartphone access
✦ Limit early social media
✦ Protect screen-free spaces
✦ Prioritize conversation, healthy boredom, and free play
✦ Teach presence

Yes, it means going against the current.
Yes, it brings discomfort.
But raising children with courage today is a long-term act of love.

The work starts at home

Many of the blocks I see in adults — myself included — didn’t begin in adulthood.
They were incubated in childhood: in lack of presence, emotional disconnection, and external dependence.

This isn’t about raising perfect children.
It’s about raising emotionally healthy, connected, and resilient children.

If this topic resonates with you—as a parent or professional—don't stay silent!

✎ And if you'd like help raising (and leading) with a more conscious, humane, and preventative approach, write to me.

Because protecting our children’s emotional wellbeing today is one of the most important decisions we can make.